How to Screw Up a Marriage, Pt 1

I've decided to start a new series called "How to Screw Up a Marriage". There's lots of "how to make marriages" work blogs & articles & books out there, but let's be honest: we learn most from when we screw up! So why not capitalize on all the wealth of knowledge by speaking about what we did wrong???

And, yes, if you were wondering... I have a story that inspired this series. As time goes on, I'll share with you when something doesn't quite work between C & me, and (hopefully) I'll be able to hear some of your stories too! (If you have a story and would like to share, email me!)

So you ready?

Last weekend C & I were super excited. We were going on a rafting trip on the Guadelupe River in the Texas Hill Country. We grew up in the area, and had both rafted and floated (on inter-toobs) on the river before... (albeit separately). My grandma owns a house on the Guadelupe, and we figured that we could take off from there, and float all the way down to Gruene, which we estimated would take anywhere from 5 to 8 hours to complete.

The first problem was easy to solve. Buy a raft. C took care of that in an afternoon. The second problem was also easy. My mom said she'd drive us up to the river house, and pick us up once we were done. So we had transportation on both water and land.

It was about the time that we started to actual pack for this little river adventure that we began to realize that maybe our plan wasn't the best in the world. I wanted snacks. I figured we'd be in the sun for an entire day, and so sustenance was a necessity. I put Oreos, Cheetos, Peanut M&Ms, cherries, and Cheez-Its all in individual baggies, then in one giant bag. My snack bag was complete. C kept telling me to stop bringing more stuff. Problem #3: I didn't listen. This problem was never resolved.

Getting up to the river & blowing up the raft was easy enough. But problem #4 was already pending - my inability to listen, aided with C's inability to get my attention created the biggest issue of the day, which I like to refer to as: Information Lost in Translation. Let me explain...

C: Just bring something to snack on.
Amy: How about 1 from everything out of my mom's pantry?

C: We need to leave by 10.
Amy: It's already 10?

C: Gently put the raft in the water.
Amy: I'm holding a raft?

C: No, you're holding the paddle wrong.
Amy: No I'm not, I'm holding it like you!
C: There's a curve in the paddle. Gently scoop the water.
Amy: Oh wow! Did you realize the paddle was curved?!?

C: If we get stuck on a rock, jump out and pick up the raft.
Amy: I have to get settled first.
C: You don't get settled in a raft.
Amy: But I don't want to be in pain!
C: Just sit and get ready to jump out.
Amy: Jump? Who's jumping?

C: Paddle!
Amy: Smile for the camera :)

C: Jump back in the boat.
Amy: It's not break time yet?

C: Paddle!
Amy: But we're not hitting anything!

I think you get it.

So, the key to screwing up a marriage is to make sure everything gets Lost in Translation. Simply misinterpret everything your partner says, and then respond in your own language, leaving the interpretation up to them. If they ask you to explain, simply ignore that request.

Another key to screwing up a marriage: go on a day-long rafting trip without actually defining your interpretation of "rafting"....

C: Rafting = fast-action, physically-intent, in & out, up & down, constantly moving, work

Amy: Rafting = taking pictures, having a picnic on water, sunbathing, sitting in your spot for the duration of the trip, paddling only if absolutely necessary

We lasted an hour.